The second screening this month will take place at NYU in partnership with the NYU Men of Strength Club (MOST), STEPS to End Family Violence, and CONNECT NYC. Please join us at the Palladium Multipurpose Room, 3rd Floor, on 140 East 14th Street in Manhattan. The event is free, but photo ID is required to enter the building.

The screening will be followed by a panel that will include a clinician from STEPS’ Relationship Abuse Prevention Program (RAPP), a leader from CONNECT and, most likely, a member of NYU’s MOST Club.

RAPP is a program that “partners with nine New York City high schools to provide outreach, education and counseling on abusive relationships.” CONNECT works to end family violence with “early-intervention programs aimed at transforming the beliefs and behaviors that lead to abuse.” The MOST Club is affiliated with the national organization Men Can Stop Rape. Much thanks to Connie Marquez and Joe Samalin for spearheading the event.

Thanks,

Fivel

Here are a few quick updates about how House Devil, Street Angel is coming along. First, music producer and label owner, Chad Crouch aka Podington Bear, decided to give a blanket gratis commercial license to the project. This is enormously valuable. It’s probably a $8,000 in-kind gift.

Second, after months of working to build a relationship with them, the highly regarded organization Men Can Stop Rape (MCSR) is interested in using the film in their workshops when it’s finished. The NYC organizer Joe Samalin has been a huge advocate since he saw the rough cut in late October. To build on the good news, a local organization, STEPS to End Family Violence, is interested in working with MCSR to have a premiere of the completed film in late March in NYC. STEPS would also like to have smaller-scale screenings and discussions with their teen participants! We’ll be sure to update you when that date is finalized.

Third, I am now blogging with the NYC Dads Group and have one really funny post up so far, with more on the way. The post got picked up by The Good Men Project as well. I’ll post a portion of my first blog entry below. And fourth, a review of an anti gender violence video game called Breakaway will appear in the next issue of Voice Male – a pro-feminist magazine.

On another note, HDSA Producer Sam Feder is currently shooting a documentary about transgender author, playwright, performance artist and theorist Kate Bornstein, called “Kate Bornstein is a Queer and Pleasant Danger.” Please ‘like’ the facebook page for the film to find out more.

Finally, it’s been a while since my last update. And there is one main reason for that. Over the past few months, depression has been really kicking my ass. I’ve struggled with depression since I was about 13-years-old – and sometimes it is overpowering to the point of debilitation. That said, I’m doing all I can to feel better, and thanks to my partner Shannon and my family, it seems to be working.

Thank you so much for your support and I look forward to sending you more good news in the near future.

Fivel

“My Son is a Satanist and I’m Proud of It”
As the father of a 13-year-old self-proclaimed Satanist, I can honestly say I’m proud of my son Noam. His beliefs are at once jokingly provocative and seemingly serious. He says that he doesn’t believe in God, but does believe in Satan, “because Satan is cooler. And if you think about it Satan is actually ‘good’ because he’s punishing bad people, right?” He’s got a point. To me his Satanism is like a person trying on a wild-looking hat out in public, to see what the reactions will be.

That said, Tamara, my son’s mom, no doubt contributed to Noam’s professed beliefs. He was raised on a steady diet of Tim Burton films, like Nightmare Before Christmas, and horror classics that cherish the macabre. Noam’s favorite toy at age three was a doll named “Spooky” that looked like a bit like chubby vinyl black teddy bear with a simplified skeleton printed on its front.

For at least a year Noam also towed around a two-foot long creepy-looking Frankenstein monster doll with a grotesquely large head, its veins popping out left and right. At three-years-old, the doll was practically the same size as he was. At 13, he now has a tendency to draw zombie clowns and multi-horned devils. So should I really be surprised when my son announced his Satanism? At least he is showing conviction, right?

To read the rest of the post, please visit the NYC Dads Group.

Over the last several months we’ve made quite a bit of progress. From exceeding our first fundraising goal to getting blogosphere attention and even a full page spread in the NY Daily News about the project! We had a fantastic rough cut screening with Brooklyn’s own Filmwax screening series too.

We have a lot of exciting work ahead of us. Up next will be more fundraising – we’re waiting to hear back from the Fledgling Fund. We’ll throw a few fundraising house parties, rough-cut screenings and more in January and February. And we’ll also be finalizing edits, getting the final cut of the film out to get mixed and color corrected. Plus we’ll make a discussion / workshop guide with national experts.

Again, thanks for your support!

Fivel & the HDSA Team

—

Soften The Fck Up! Aussie Men Get Real

I came across the Soften The Fck Up! campaign by “social entrepreneur” and branding expert Evon Chan while researching social engagement strategies for changing men.

This campaign aims to get Australia’s men to “Soften the Fck Up” and talk about depression and mental health, before it leads to suicide. On the website there are video testimonials, as well as blogs from changing men and allies. There are active debates about what depression is and how it affects men, how to intervene or not, the lack of mental health treatment, and the crisis of masculinity in Australia. According to one post on STFU, over 78% of the lives lost to suicide are male. We might also ask how many of them were gay, trans, or bisexual men who suffered from depression due to societal homophobia.

The statistics in the United States are not far off from those in Australia. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, “there are four male suicides for every female suicide, but three times as many females as males attempt suicide.” That means approximately 7,200 women die every year from suicide, while over 28,800 men commit suicide annually in the U.S. And those are just the ones we know about.

Why all this morbid talk in a newsletter about a film about fathering and abuse? Well, the film also addresses my struggle with severe depression, and suicide attempts, as I also worked to be a better dad. The only way I got better was through ‘softening the fuck up’ in therapy and in my relationships.

December can be a particularly stressful time emotionally, but also financially. And that can contribute to a spiral of depression. So, men in my life, don’t be afraid to “soften the fuck up” this holiday season and reach out for help!

The future campaign from “House Devil, Street Angel” will certainly be inspired by Soften The Fck Up! and I really encourage you to check it out.

Our progress so far

With less than 9 days left to raise the remaining $2500 we could really use your support. Please help spread the word to your friends and family, or other folks who you think may be interested in the project: http://kck.st/nhmFsO

The screening this past Saturday reminded me that even though House Devil, Street Angel deals with some very serious issues, it’s also a pretty funny film. It was lovely to hear people laugh at my son Noam’s antics or giggle and coo as he delights over his baby brother. I think it’s important to have breaths of levity as it reflects the humor we need so much to deal with life’s trials.

In general, our present seems so crazy right now. From the Occupy Wall Street protest(s) getting evicted, day-to-day work and life, to caring for children and making dinner. Not to mention all of the amazing projects out there looking for help. Including the Secret Survivors documentary, with the outspoken RJ Maccani. The project is part of a movement to end childhood sexual abuse: http://www.indiegogo.com/SecretSurvivors

All that said, I urge you to think about investing in the long run, and changing men for the better. It took me a long time to realize it, and appreciate it, but a feminist masculinity is a liberated masculinity – hopefully that will lead to men appreciated and respecting folks of all genders. And I certainly hope that House Devil, Street Angel will play a small part in that shift.

There was a great turnout and the film inspired a really interesting discussion. We talked about the cycle of violence in families, the struggle to change as individuals and especially as parents, changing masculinity and fatherhood in our society, domestic violence, and how the film ties in to a history of feminist filmmaking.  People also asked me personal questions about how the film has impacted my relationship(s) with my parents and child. Even if everyone did not agree with every aspect of the film people were actively engaged, and I think that is a testament to the power of the film. And my mentor, thesis advisor and friend Kelly Anderson urged me to “cut the cord” and just get this film out there.  Well, I certainly needed the encouragement and inspiration that the screening provided.

Finally, there are less than 10 full days left in our Kickstarter campaign.  So please consider becoming a backer and/or spreading the word.  Thanks!!!

Filmwax - House Devil, Street Angel flyer

Thank you VERY much to those who have already become backers of our Kickstarter campaign! We have about 12 days left and $3100 left to raise. Even $10, $18 or $25 goes a long way. The funds will go toward further post-production, a soundmix and a discussion guide, primarily.

On a cool publicity note, there is a great audio interview with me about the film on a local Brooklyn blog called The BK Buzz. And just in case you haven’t read it, there’s a pretty revealing interview with me on the blog Parent Du Jour.

And finally, inspired by encouraging friends, I’m going to post some helpful items to folks out there on our newsletters and this website. To start off, I had been planning on writing a very insightful, impassioned essay about how masculinity connects with the current events regarding sexual assault at Penn State, though Rob Okun of Voice Male magazine did it already. I’m re-posting it below.

Thanks,

Fivel and the HDSA team

*After Joe Pa’s Silence*

By Rob Okun

If learning the truth about what had been going on for years at Penn State
University won’t move men to challenge rape culture, what will? For men,
it’s long past time to leave the sidelines of indifference in the face of
grievous acts of troubled men.

The facts: Jerry Sandusky, former defensive coordinator under legendary
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, was arrested on 40 counts related to
charges he raped eight boys beginning in 1998. Well loved Paterno, the
winningest coach in college football history, and Penn State’s president,
Graham Spanier, were summarily fired. And, the university’s athletic
director, Tim Curley, and a vice president, Gary Schultz, were indicted for
not calling police following a grad student’s eyewitness account of
Sandusky anally raping a 10 year-old boy in a campus shower. Heard enough?

Paterno did the bare minimum, reporting what he heard about his longtime
assistant only one rung up the chain of command. While legally in the
clear, morally Paterno missed the goal by a wide margin. No points scored
and a lifetime penalty. His silence was deafening. But because of how
university trustees dealt with Coach Paterno, perhaps a first was achieved:
a bystander who didn’t intervene was harshly punished*.*

So now is the moment for men to pick up the remote and change the channel.
The message on a popular New England sports talk radio station was this
isn’t a sports scandal but a men’s scandal. It’s about time the language
was accurate. Time, too, for us as men to stop watching from the sidelines.
There’s the whistle. Ready or not, we have to get in the game.

Here’s a simultaneous truth: Most men are good guys who don’t abuse women,
girls, boys, or other men. Still, the overwhelming majority of perpetrators
of abuse against women, girls and boys are male. So while the minority
abuse, assault, rape, sometimes murder, we look away mouthing our sorry
excuse, “That’s not me.” While it may be true about any of us personally,
it ignores our responsibility collectively to insist we work to end rape
and abuse.

Women, girls, boys, men should be free both from actual harm and the threat
of abuse. Women have long been on the front lines of efforts to end
domestic and sexual violence. For more than a quarter century, many men
have joined them, challenging the masculine culture of aggression even as
it tries to bully us. We need more men to mobilize now—from tiny hamlets to
urban centers.

With the culture of sports at the center of this sordid story of men
behaving inhumanely—criminally—can we finally change direction? Can we
uncover what it is about men’s training that produces Jerry Sanduskys?
These questions can no longer be ignored.

In this national manhood emergency, football is the perfect cultural
symbol, one that can serve as a catalyst for masculinity teach-ins on
campuses and in communities nationwide. Right now groups like Coaching Boys
into Men ; Mentors in Violence Prevention; and the Waitt Institute, to name a few, are poised to lead trainings. And, in every state, sexual and domestic violence prevention coalitions are working night and day to stop the violence.

Dear 2012 Presidential Candidates, We are your future constituents and we are parents. We are American mothers and fathers and grandparents and guardians. Our families might be the most diverse in the world. Blended and combined in endless permutations, we represent every major religion, political ideology and ethnic culture that exists. We are made from equal parts biology and choice. Our children come to us in every way possible—including fertility miracles, adoption, and remarriage. Our very modern families embody the freedom that defines America. We embody America. We are rich in diversity, but we are united in our family values. We come together today, with one voice, to express our grave disappointment in the national political discourse.

The 2012 countdown has barely begun and we are already being bombarded with the warmed-over, hypocritical rhetoric of 2008. We are living in a time where 15.1% of Americans now live in poverty, the unemployment rate stands at 16%, and we are spending close to $170 billion annually between the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan*.

Given the current state of affairs we would expect every candidate to focus on the issues that truly matter: job creation, debt-relief, taxes, education, poverty, and ending the war(s). Instead, it is already clear to us that the conversation has been hijacked, with the goal of further polarizing our nation into a politically motivated and falsely created class-war.

We will not stand for another campaign year in which politicians presume to know what our family values are as they relate to the nation. To be clear, here are our family values:

Affordable health care, including family planning, for all Americans. We will not tolerate any candidate using the shield of “Choice” to blind us from the issues that really matter. When funding is stripped from organizations like Planned Parenthood, access to sliding-scale health care (including yearly pap smears & mammograms), comprehensive sex education, and family planning is blocked from the poorest of the population.

Access to education, and the ability to actually use it. We want quality, affordable, federally-funded pre-K programs made available in every State, in order to provide an even starting point for all children enrolled in public schools— regardless of the wealth of the district or town they live in.

A reinstatement of regulations for banks issuing mortgages and full prosecution for those who engaged in fraudulent lending practices. We want full accountability —investigation, indictment and prosecution— of those individuals and institutions who engaged in fraudulent lending practices and who helped create the massive foreclosures that left many families homeless or struggling to keep their homes.

A return of strict environmental regulations protecting water, air, food, and land that were removed in the last two decades. We want our children to grow up in a world not weighed down by the strains of pollution and global warming. Between BPA in our products, sky-rocketing rates of asthma in kids, questionable hormones in our over-processed food, and more, we need leaders who will put our needs and safety over the desires and profits of large corporations.

Family planning, healthcare, education, economic solvency and environmental safety: these are our national family values.

Candidates who demonstrate the ability to understand the gravity of these issues, and their impact on our families, and who can provide actual, viable solutions to these problems will garner our support and our votes.

We believe in this democratic system of ours, and we will continue to use our voices and our votes to see that it reaches its fullest potential.

Sincerely,

Your future constituents,

The mothers & fathers of America

If you would like to forward this letter to your elected officials, you can find their contact info at the following links: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

* Sources for stats: http://money.cnn.com/2011/09/13/news/economy/poverty_rate_income/index.htm

http://costofwar.com/en/

Yet, I am still that person who fucked up. Who hurt the people I loved. That history will not change, but I know in my heart that I am sincere in moving forward, especially as a father and partner. And I do see that shift working when it comes to my son and the way I interact with my partner, most tangibly on an emotional level. Change is possible on an individual level, I’m sure of it, but translating that to a social shift is complex, and bewildering. I’m hoping to learn a great deal here, to meet inspiring folks and further figure out my role in the movement to end abuse.

Please join me on Saturday, November 12th at 6pm for a celebration and rough cut screening of House Devil, Street Angel, sponsored by Brooklyn’s own Filmwax screening series.  It takes place at The Fifth Estate bar on 506 Fifth Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.  What are we celebrating?  Well, the fact that this project is moving forward, we’re busting our butts on Kickstarter and making progress linking up with nonprofits and more.  Hope to see you there!

http://schedule.filmwax.com/filmwax/schedule/house-devil-street-angel–rough-cut-screening–fundraiser/

- Fivel

As a pre-teen my parents put me in therapy, which was probably where they needed to be. I was depressed, even suicidal at times. I’m still working to overcome depression. After a number of pretty bad experiences in therapy, I was eventually able to name what happened in my household as abusive.  And, in addition, understand how my own behavior with Tamara followed a similar pattern. With Tamara I was both physically and verbally abusive. We fought all the time, I called her names and shoved her. Pregnancy statistically increases the likelihood of abuse, and that was true in my case as well. It was awful. I’m utterly ashamed to even think about it now. I talk about it in the film, and in here, with the hope that other men will be able to address their actions honestly. I’m trying to be more accountable as a man, and father, and constantly learning what that means. On that note, Tamara and I have a pretty decent relationship as co-parents, living separately with different lives, but raising Noam more-or-less together.

After being pushed by other partners to deal with my abusive behavior, going through years of intensive analysis, reading and later attending pro-feminist men’s groups, I really began to change. Especially in recent years. Now I understand that abuse is a choice. Of course, our choices are affected by our culture, our surroundings. However, we, as men, too often make the choice to be abusive – because we don’t even see it as abuse, for instance, or due to power dynamics in the relationship and society. But ultimately it boils down to choice.  I made the wrong choices before, and now I’m choosing to stand up, take responsibility and hopefully connect with audiences, men primarily, to talk about these issues. Furthermore, I want to put it make sure folks know that abuse is not just physical. It can manifest in a number of ways – emotionally, sexually, financially, etc…

As a young father, who did not want to keep the pregnancy, I was angry, bitter and confused. I wasn’t supportive, and certainly not emotionally connected to Tamara. I’m not sure I knew how to be. My path to change began when Noam was born – a traumatic experience in its own right. That was a major beginning to a very long road full of more mistakes and recoveries leading to where I see myself now. I was absolutely determined to end a cycle of abuse in my family, that I believe has lasted for generations. I’ve worked hard to be a better father and partner.  And Noam really does embody a new kind of “man.”  At 13-years-old he’s loving, emotionally intelligent and a wonderful big brother. At the same time he wants to be a professional skateboarder or artist when he grows up and hates school most of the time.

I did not even intend to make a film about abuse.  I started out making a film about how my son goes back and forth between vastly different households.  As I explored his pain, I got in touch with my own. And I then decided to deal with both the beauty of being a father, raising a loving son, and the ugliness of what I have done. I know that I’m not alone with struggling with abusive behavior, fatherhood or even the complexity of parenthood. And that’s why I decided to make this film. With that in mind, I was deeply inspired by feminist consciousness-raising films and personal documentaries, like those of Barbara Hammer, for instance, which transcend either classification.

It’s been both fulfilling and exhausting to share this film.  I screened the rough cut, when it was called Internal Exposure, to members of the NYC Dads Group right after I graduated in order to get feedback.  Only the organizers of the screening knew what the film was about. Most of the other dads in the audience had no idea what they were getting into. They just came knowing that a fellow dad wanted to show a work-in-progress. I introduced the film and sat back, and listened carefully for any sign of reaction as it played. They were utterly quiet, except for some laughs as Noam, at three-years-old, says, “I hate your camera” as he refuses to eat breakfast. Afterwards they were eager to ask me questions about the film. Several men in the audience shared very touching stories about their experience as survivors, some with depression, and how they have had to worked to be better parents. It’s much easier to say that we want to parent differently than our parents did, than actually do it.

I know my prejudice was challenged when one man, who looked like a bit of a jock, came up to me afterwards and really opened up. That was incredible. He told me, “our fathers must be brothers, they acted so similarly.” We talked about changing as men and dads, and shared resources for change. This is exactly how I imagine using the film  – whether it’s with dads, college students, etc… It’s a tool for starting a crucial dialogue.